There was a bright light, but it was an off white

Tonic- Waiting for the Light to Change

Brazen is love's redeemer
When you have so far to go
It loves the true believer
For the innocence they own
Life is good
Life is grand
When you're sittin' on top of the world
Life is good
when its in your hands
And nobody can change your world

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting

All my prize possessions
That I thought I needed so
Dragged me down on a razor
With a heaviness they tow
always searching for a love that's in bloom
its a warm and soft embrace
Hoping you'll never be lonely again
It's a fear that you just can't face

( ( CHORUS ) )

Life is good and life is grand
When you're sitting on top of the world
Life is good when its in your hands
And nobody can change your world

( ( CHORUS ) )

I'm just waiting,
I'm just waiting,
I'm just waiting,
I'm just waiting


The last 12-18 months have been hard.

I started UPS in February of 2006. Yeah, like most say, it’s a physical job. It was definitely hard going to class full-time and working at UPS. But I felt if I may it until May, things would get better.

Physically, it did get better in May because that was the end of the semester. So after the semester, I was great. I was getting in shape, I had more health insurance and I had money in the bank.

When June rolled around, things started to get difficult. It was pretty obvious we were struggling financially, but I didn’t realize how bad. We had gotten a new car in April. We got a 98 Toyota Camary. I was skeptical at first. I was ok with it as long as we could afford it. We only have 2 vehicles the camary and an 87 S-10. Then, June rolled around and my dad was having to get more money from me. I was already helping with things at this point anyways. I was able to help out with the family and save money. But week in and week out I realized I was giving more and having to save less. We were in a bind. What can I say?

I knew things would get tougher after my mom had to leave her job. She had to leave cause she was always hurting and extremely tired. Turns out she has rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. She now takes 7-8 medications for it. Now, every six weeks she has i.v. treatments. At this point, they won’t help her, but should contain the problem. She is only 45.

Anyways, as difficult as it was for me mentally, the job was good for me. I was now in great shape. I got along with everyone I worked with. In early summer, I got a raise. So for the most part, my morale was good.

In July, I earned another assignment with the Montgomery Advertiser. Just like in 2005, I got to write the preseason outlook for Holtville’s football team.

This is so much fun!

I go up to the school, talk to the coaches and players about football. I get quotes, analyze information and write roughly 300 words. After I submit it to the paper, I think “I can do this for a living and get paid for this?!”

Then, in mid August, I realize at work that I’m not moving as fast as I would like. Plus, I was having a hard time catching my breath. Then, it got to the point where I had to have it checked out. Without making this post any longer than it has to be:

I went to Pri-Med. It was wrote off as stress, but as a precaution , they asked me to go to the ER. They did the same test that Pri-Med performed. In the end, I was never seen by the actual doctor, just the nurse practitioner. I was prescribed an inhaler and referred to a lung doctor. The inhaler didn’t work. I was prescribed another. That didn’t work. I was getting frustrated. I was told I had no heart problems. They then had me perform a pulmonary stress test. Was told this was to rule out stress or underling depression. Just a couple of minutes into the test, my heart rate got above 200 beats per second. So they stopped the test. The doctor pointed to my head and said “well, at least we know it’s not stress.”

So guess where the results of my stress test got me? To a heart doctor. Right off the bat, I’m told it’s depression and stress. Had to perform another stress test. After the test the doctor asked if I thought about taking up jogging.

I was so pissed. Keep in mind at this point, I ‘ve been out of work for over two months and I was extremely limited to physical activity. I would have to sit on the bench if we ever went to Wal-Mart. Walking to the mailbox was difficult.

After he told me that I remembered one of the nurses at the ER asked if I was a runner because of the size of my calf muscles. I told her “no, but my job requires a lot of lifting, moving, and climbing.” It was at the heart doctor that I noticed my blood pressure was high.

In the end I was referred to a specialist in Birmingham. Both times I went, the nurse would mention how high my blood pressure was. The doctor recommended I get on anti-depressants and anxiety medication.

So to make them and the other doctors happy, I got on anti- depressants. A couple of months rolled around and I was in a better mood, but physically no better. I would walk a couple of miles several times a week to try and build up my energy, but to no avail.

So I finally decided to get a regular doctor. I went in May. Keep in mind my blood pressure was noticeably high in October, when I went to the heart doctor. In May, my first visit to a regular doctor, my blood pressure is 170/102. Yeah, research that number. It’ s considered to be extremely high. I’m now on blood pressure medication. It has helped some. I’m still limited to physical activity. I’m hoping by the end of the summer I can go back to work. Obviously, I need to get back to work. All of this happening to me and now I have no health insurance because I’m not in school and I’ve been out of work too long.

Not to mention, I’ve been overly stressed because my insurance with UPS has been terrible. They have good coverage, but a lot of red tape. I still have yet to get all of my bills paid by the insurance company. And this all started 12 months ago!

Now, it turns out my dad has rheumatoid arthritis. He already had arthritis and gout and high blood pressure. Not to mention he suffered a massive heart attack my senior year of high school. All of this he has to deal with and he just turned 50.

As of today, we are somehow making it. We are just frugal people anyways, but it’s getting harder and harder each week. If I were still working with UPS, I’d be making $10.50 an hour. I’d continue having full health coverage. Plus, I could go to school part time. UPS pays $1000 per semester and 30% of books. If one is up to a physical task and wanting to go to college, this is the job for you. This is an ideal job for the 18-35 year olds.

I keep thinking “ what if?” so much. I mean before this all started, I was finally having the time of my life. Plus, I was well on my way to becoming a journalist. I knew with the more articles I wrote the more they would take notice. Just a damn shame really.

Without sounding full of myself, people seem to like my writing. I seem to be a very aggressive write when dealing with opinion. I can just as easily write news articles or sports. I’ve already proven this. I’m now sort of hesitant to contact the Advertiser for a job or internship for fear of being turned down. I need to quit being so pessimistic. This attitude has held me back on several occasions. I know I will contact soon, just need the extra motivational push.

Ahhh, help me.

I just feel like I’m stuck. What should I do?